Last time I wrote about the 60 days that changed my life in such a short period of time. Things have been so crazy and unpredictable that this time it only took 30 days for me to almost completely change who I am and how I think.
The last 30 days all I've been doing with my life is thinking - about Life. I go to work, but I'm still just thinking about Life. I go to class and take my finals, but I'm still just baffled, bewildered, perturbed, and perplexed over this thing called Life. There's a guy in the stall next to me at work verbally busting his O-ring, but I don't even hear it because of the reverb in my head with ideas about Life. I've spent the last month plagued until 4 in the morning with thoughts about what to do with this Life. Just recently, I got my first full night's sleep in what seemed like ages.
So, what the fuck did I think about for an entire month for 18-20 hours each day, what caused it, and what settled it? Some people know, and some don't, but I met this woman who I just thought that I was destined to meet and be with. But she went back to school (a few states away) and things just plummeted from there. It caught me pretty much by surprise and I couldn't sleep until I figured out a possible answer to whatever new question I came up with in my head. This might sound neurotic, but I'm not crazy. In fact, that's probably why it took me so goddamn long to finally get a good night's rest. If I was crazy I could just come up with some loopy ass explanation and go right to sleep. Anyways, it was this event that made me feel like I was insufficient and I needed to re-think a lot of things. What I basically thought about was who I was (what makes me different than the next person) and what makes me happy.
When I thought about who I was, all I could come up with were statistics. I just thought: good job, well educated, in good shape, good sense of humor, decent looking, and motivated. My whole life I've fought to not be generic and be someone that's really unique. Yet, when I tried to list the best things about myself they were all generic qualities that will only get someone so far. The worst thing is that this is how I viewed the rest of the world. Whenever I meet a new woman I rate her based on her looks, intelligence, profession, and proximity. The last few women that I have been serious with, I found that the biggest regret that I had about things not working out was that they were so statistically rare. They were hot, funny, smart, sexy, and had high earning potential. I talked to my friend, Eric Jones, about it. Being the typical guy, I said that I missed the sex the most (hey, it was awesome), but he said that what he missed the most was the companionship. That really got me to thinking, and I realized that I didn't miss how rare they were statistically, I missed them because it is rare to really connect with someone. And, I really did with them. So, I kind of decided to not be such a statistic myself. What's unique about me has to be my personality and how well I treat those that I love. Each time I've gone out to bars and talked to woman the most shallow things always come up: what do you do for a living, where did you go to school, where do you live, or what activities do you like to do? I'm going to just avoid all of these types of questions and think of questions that will lead me to find out who the person is, not how they measure up statistically. Equivocally, I'm going to avoid putting myself out there as a statistic.
The second thing that I thought about was what makes me happy. I still haven't figured this one out 100%, but I figured out that it's something not worth thinking about. Life is more about rolling with the punches than it is grabbing hold and creating your vision of yourself. It's okay to think about the things that you can do to make yourself happy, but once you start thinking about things that are out of your control, then you'll just be going in circles like a one-legged man on a skate board; a dog with peanut butter on his tail; two fat guys on opposite ends of a marry-go-round; or an asian woman looking for her car at the mall. One thing that brings me happiness that I can't control is if a woman loves me. Realizing this fact helped me to settle my mind. It's clear as day. If there's love lost in either direction then it plain out just wasn't meant to be (or, not meant to be at this time). No need for contemplation. No need for worry. It's not an issue about being insufficient, there's nothing that I could have done differently, it's all about whether or not there was enough of a connection. Things that I can control are: my work, my education, my finances, and what I do with my time. That's about it.
It took a lot of maturing for me to finally realize that certain things are out of my control. Everyone wants to feel like they're in control of their lives. Really, nobody is. You can't control who you meet (which really is the biggest factor in your life) or what events happen to you. It's crazy how many institutions and ideals are based on people trying to usurp control of their lives. Take religion, for instance. People realize that they can't control what happens to them (in this life, or after), but they try to by going to church or devoting themselves to what could be completely made up beliefs. When there's something that's unexplainable, people will always search until they've found an answer that lets them sleep at night. But, the day when you realize that you have no control is when you will finally be at peace.
I'm not there yet (but at least I can sleep).
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