Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Vegas Baby, Vegas

Yeah, I'm well aware of the "what happens here stays here" motto that's touted by the appropriately nicknamed Sin City. I'm still gonna talk about it so you can go fuck yourself Las Vegas!

This past weekend was my brother's bachelor party and while some things will go unspoken, some others need to be touched upon. At first I didn't understand why my brother didn't want to go to a club for his bachelor party. But, once I got into the strip club I kind of realized why. No, I'm not talking about playing motor boat or trying to make the stripper climb the pole and touch her ass on the ceiling; my point is that being in a strip club isn't reality. The tits are fake, the compliments are fake, the diamonds are fake, and colleges that they're attending are definitely fake. The only thing that is real is the sob story that strippers tell you about their ex-boyfriends or their asshole dads. So, I saw why my brother wanted to go to strip clubs instead of real clubs: it's fake. If you go to a club and girls are in your booth drinking with you, that's real and something really might happen. But, if you go to a strip club, it's all fake and reality comes back once you reach the exit.

That is, until you get into the taxi and the guy says: "So, who's ready to go to a massage parlor?"

Monday, July 02, 2007

Luke Skywalker vs Han Solo

Sometimes when I'm on the soccer field and I feel like the game is up to me, I pretend like I'm Luke Skywalker in Episode IV. In case you didn't know (you should be ashamed of yourself), that's the one where he shot his photon into that tiny little hole to blow up the Death Star. Clutch.

Even though I would have a place in history as Luke Skywalker, I think that I'd still rather be Han Solo. He cracks all the jokes, chicks love him, and he gets with the princess. The only action that Luke got was a kiss from his sister (yuck! ... tongue action too!). Perhaps, another downside to being Han Solo instead of Luke Skywalker is that I wouldn't have the Force.

So, I was thinking, hell yeah, even though I don't have the Force my wife (Leia) does so I can still have kids that inherit it. Money! ... or not so money. It would totally suck to have a wife that has the Force! She'd always be thinking that she's better than me. I'd have to ask her to open jars, get things down off of high shelves, lift heavy objects, and other embarrassing things. After I got old and my mind wasn't as sharp, she'd be doing all of these Jedi mind tricks on me, making me do the dishes and laundry, make dinner, and think that she beat me at Jeopardy again. Then, the next morning when I woke up and realized all of the things that happened I'd be like, "Bitch, don't pretend like you beat me at Jeopardy!" My kids would not only be able to kick my ass by age 5, but, as a Padawan, they'd also have those sweet miniature pony tails that went out with the 80's (I know I wasn't the only one that had one!). They'd probably walk around all scronny and shit, like I was when I was a kid. But, then when the kids in the back of the bus tried to take their shoes they'd kick some ass instead of moving to the front and making friends with the bus driver.

In conclusion, I'd still like to be Han Solo - but there's no way I'm going to marry that skank Leia. On top of her thinking that she's better than me, she straight up slaved herself to Jabba the Hut! No matter how good she looked in that golden bikini, the image of her up against living blubber is too much for any man to get out of his head. You sold your soul to the Devil, Leia - I'll never forgive you for that. Sure, it was to save me from being frozen in carbonite, but at what cost!!??

And, the only thing you can beat me at is Go Fish - and that's because nobody gives a damn about Go Fish! I will forever be the king of Jeopardy!