Thursday, May 03, 2007

Bets You Can't Win

I've come to the conclusion that you can't win a bet with a woman. I mean, you can win, you just can't get paid out on your victory. Women never feel obligated to hold up their end of the bet when they lose. If you win, you might combine the time that you gloat with a chance to remind her what the stakes were and that you're owed something - but any reminders after that and you're being a total jerk and just trying to rub it in.

"What real man expects to get paid for a petty bet by a woman?" - shit, I do! A bet is a goddamn bet. The worst thing is that men condone this behavior. I once had a friend of mine tell me a story that his girlfriend bet a guy at a bar $5 about some play that was going on during a basketball game on TV. When his girlfriend lost, he totally dogged the guy and called him a bitch for accepting the $5 until the guy gave it back. Well, maybe I'm okay with that because it's a stranger's money, but if it's your girlfriend or your wife and you guys share time and money anyways, then debts should be paid. I'm especially talking about non-monetary bets like massages, watching sports instead of America's Next Top Model, cooking dinner, taking care of the kids, or running errands.

It's not all that bad that bets are forgotten, but it sucks mainly because they're only forgotten one way. A woman will never hesitate to remind a man in some cute way that he owes her $20, lunch, or a ride home from the airport. Men need to stick to bets that they plan on losing. For instance, it's perfectly fine to bet your hot lady friend dinner that they will find the bombs in Iraq. Feel free to bet your best friend's GILF a night on the town that Bill Clinton was one of the Founding Fathers. Go ahead and bet that stripper four shots that she can't do the splits in roller skates. And please, for the love of God, bet the twins next door a weekend for three in Vegas that you can take them both out in a kiddy-pool-full-of-jello-pudding wrestling contest.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Vocab: Lesson 2

Previously I talked about how the nicknames Bob and Dick made no sense and that in order to fix that they should be called Bobert and Dickard. I've also defined the terms lead up to freezing ovaries math, Quadruple Flush, Circle of Blame, and Emotional Clusterfuck. Now, I've finally come up with a word that is handy for everyday use.

Like most new slang, this term is made from a combination of words. If some guy is acting like a total bitch, it's often appropriate to refer to him as a Vagina (or Vāg for short). Although I don't particularly prefer this term, another name to call him is a fag. So, combining the words, it
should be a doubly-insulting to call somebody a Fagina (or Fāg). And, I'm all about efficiency.