Thursday, December 28, 2006

Unconditional

There are a lot of things that I used to believe in that I don't anymore. I remember one Christmas I was at my cousin's house and Santa Claus visited to bring them presents and I didn't get one because the neighbor didn't know that my family was going to be visiting. I must have believed in Santa a lot because I didn't stop crying until he brought me back a present (what a great guy). I remember reading comic books and believing that I could somehow achieve the powers that they had if I wanted it bad enough. I remember believing that I would marry my first girlfriend. I remember believing that alcohol and beer were bad. And, the latest thing that I remember believing that I do not anymore is in unconditional love.

Up until a few weeks ago, I believed in unconditional love. Unconditional love to me is when two people can be separated and have all of these fucked up things happen to them individually to push them apart and they'll still come together in the end. I always kinda thought that no matter what happened to people in their individual lives, that they were still the same people in their core and they would come together because of that. It's kind of like Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (stop reading if you haven't seen it, and plan to). They got their memory erased of each other, but then they still came back together again because of who they were in their core and what they were to each other. I thought that if all of our memories were erased, that we'd still gravitate towards the same people and have most of the same friends that we had before. I think that it's pretty obvious where this is going - I thought that the distance between Quinn and I would have little or no affect on our relationship, but I was wrong.

The one thing that I forgot is that people change. I mean, I didn't forget it, but I didn't believe in it. I've seen my high school friends go through a ton of shit in college and they're different, but they're still the same people. I haven't talked to my best friend from elementary school for years, but I know that if I saw him we'd still get along and have the same dynamic. Maybe it's that things don't change between friends, but they do for people who were in relationships. I mean, I look at the few ex'es that I've loved and I think that they're entirely different people. Maybe it's only because I knew them so well at one point that I can notice these things. Maybe it's because the moment I fell out of love, they changed to me - even if they hadn't changed in reality. Or, maybe it's because people learn from their failures and forcefully change.

This is what makes love conditional. Change. Two people could be soul mates, but if one is sent off to Iraq and the other one is sent to a missionary in South America, chances are that they'll come back home and not be able to relate. Two people could be complete opposites, but be placed into an arranged marriage or find each other when they're both looking for something serious. This couple could probably adapt to each other better than the soul mates returning from Iraq and South America. People think that it's cute to say "let it (love) fly away and if it comes back to you then it's forever". Well, fuck that bullshit. I'm not gonna sit here waiting with my arms open while some dude puts his hands all over my woman. It should be more like "handcuff it to a chair, roll duct tape around it's ankles, and strap it to your back with a post-Dale-Earnhart Nascar regulation seat belt."

I now think that love necessitates proactivity. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for taking the job at Lockheed instead of the one at Northrop, which was close to USC, where Quinn is going to school. I wouldn't say that I changed, but she changed individually without me while she was in LA. The last wedding that I went to, the groom flew all over the world to see his present-day wife - even when they were broken up. If he hadn't given this effort, then most likely they would have never gotten married. Instead of flying around the world, all I had to do is take a job that was offered to me. I was so confident in unconditional love that I believed that things would be exactly the same if I lived up here (close to my family) instead. Even one of us driving or flying every two weeks wasn't enough. Quinn used to tell me that "there are still 11 days in between for us to change." What's 11 days x 26 sets of weeks in a year x 2 years? Whatever it multiplies out to, it's greater than the number of days that love, an engagement, and a hypothetical future could hold out for.

Monday, December 18, 2006

I Don't Like Surprises

Like Holyfield when Tyson bit his ear off...like K-Fed when he got Britney's text...like the US Navy at Pearl Harbor...like Geraldo Rivera at Al Capone's Vault...like Macualay Culkin at Michael's after drinking some "Jesus Juice"...and like Faith Hill at the CMA's...I don't like fucking surprises!

I'm a type "O", or "A", or "green", or "blue", or "ENTJ", or whatever the fuck label they're putting on people that like to plan ahead. Probably that's why I'm really nervous right now. I have no idea what to plan for or what I even want. I'm the kind of person who is always living in the future instead of the present. Even when I'm doing fun things, I'm always thinking about what I want to do next. For me, it's all about looking forward to something.

In high school, it was always the next test result or the next school dance (lame, I know). In college it was always getting a degree and making money. But, now in the working world, there's nothing more than putting in my 40 a week and paying bills.

I've got to mix things up. Things need to be exciting again. Weekends need to be the reward at the end of each week. How can I do that? Isn't that what everyone wants? No more talking to my friends on Monday morning about what they did all weekend and the unanimous response is "nothing." I've decided that I'm going to spearhead the effort to at least try to make lives exciting again. I'm thinking poker nights, video game nights, drinking game nights, movie nights, BBQ's, trips to Tahoe, bowling, pool, clubs, bars, sports games, casinos, beaches, tennis, snowboarding, and maybe even a little game called 7-minutes in heaven (just kidding).

I'm going to have to name myself Social Chair and get everyone together to have fun with their lives. When I was in high school, people always said "cherish it, because this the best time of your life." When I was in college, people changed their minds and said "this will be the best time of your life." Well, fuck that, THIS should be the best time of my life. I finally have money to be able to do whatever the hell I want and a place to do it in. I can go and do whatever I feel like doing without answering to anybody else or having to explain myself.

If I keep being passive and just going with the flow I'm going to end up as an old man who just locks himself in his room and hangs out with his 14 cats while playing World of Warcraft and talking to his computer that he named "Blinky" because of the LED on the front that talks to him in morse code and sends him messages about how to defeating the Red Dragon will cure world hunger. I don't want that.

If YOU don't want that, call me up if you're doing a whole lot of "nothing." I'll call everyone else. We'll kick it...nobody will get 14 cats or take orders from inanimate objects like "Blinky."