Friday, July 28, 2006

I Won't Shave Until I'm 50

Since I was knocked out for the duration of my shoulder surgery on Tues, the most memorble part of the whole experience was the nurses constantly commenting to each other that I'm 26 and I look like a teenager. I decided to go into the surgery as clean as possible, so I shaved off my gotee and mustache. The nurse that escorted me from the waiting room into the operation prep room apparently thought I looked like a teenager. She told me that she thought that I was going to need my mom, who drove me to Kaiser, to escort me into the pre-op room. Then, when she got there she proceeded to spread the news and the other nurses kept telling each other. Luckily I'll be MIA from work for the next two weeks while I grow some age back. But, that made me decide: I'm not shaving until I'm 50.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

That's Fucking Amazing!

There are certain things that happen to me during the course of a day that make me audibly announce: "That's fucking amazing!". I'm not talking about some feat of acrobatics or a medical breakthrough. I'm talking about someone so amazingly stupid that you are in awe of their mental handicap without the benefit of great parking. I've decided that this calls for another top 10. Each top ten will conclude with a phrase which should be used on these people.

10. Someone going below speed limit.
I'm pretty sure that the speed limits are set in an extremely conservative manner, such that anybody with a legal driver's license should be at least able to travel at this speed. It's difficult for me to comprehend that there are those lacking either the skill or sense of urgency in their own lives to want to go at least speed limit. In fact, I find that the best way to piss a cop off is to pull in front of him and then go speed limit. Two seconds later they'll zoom by you, all pissed off. I'm not completely heartless - anybody who is somebody's grandma or grandpa or has a handicapped sticker gets a free "pass" on this one. But to everyone else, it is appropriate to say: "You are an amazingly slow fucking driver."

9. Someone at work who asks the same question each day for three or more days in a row.
I'm a "team" player, but certain people are definitely in need of a kick down to the minors to work on their swing. In every office, there is the person who refuses to take notes on what you're explaining to them. Even after you outright suggest that they take notes, they're still confident in their memory. Is it possible to forget that you keep forgetting? Son, that is a amazing skill. To these people, it is curtious to say: "You have fucking amazing skills of forgetting that you forgot!"

8. Someone who you don't know that farts around you with no remorse.
I'm down for my friends fanning their farts at me if their bowels are granting them a particularly punishing day, but when it's someone that you don't know, it kind of pisses you off and makes you wonder what they're thinking. The real question is: if someone you don't know farts in your vicinity, does it become kosher for you to fart in their vicinity? It should be. It's like if someone hits your ass after a good play in sports, it becomes okay for you to pat their ass after they do something good. There's just an understanding there. I would go as far to say that it's okay to track this person down and then let it out once you're in their vicinity. At least then they know: game on. To these people say: "You are fucking amazing at making fart-buddies!"

7. Someone who can talk for hours without saying anything new.
There are certain people who can get talking about a single topic and run on that for hours on end. The story and main points will start out harmless enough, but by the 6th minute you notice some kind of pattern. Could it be that this person is saying the same thing over and over again every 5 minutes? It's like there is this reset button, and he/she forgets that he/she already said that. Then, they say the exact same things following the first point because they just re-trace their train of thought. After the second go-round, you really need to make a stop to this and say: "You are an amazing fucking circle talker!"

6. Someone with all of the sports gear who sucks at that sport.
Snowboarders are a perfect example of this. I'm not saying that every snowboarder should be doing tricks or carving double-black diamonds - but they should be mindful of what they're spending money on. A $1000 board won't make you any better than a $200 dollar board. Either will the $500 fits. Nobody I personally know is out of control on this, but I've definitely met some in college. Another example is NBA fans. There are so many people who show up on basketball courts with the new Jordans, knee-high socks, a headband, and an AI armband, but they absolutely suck. They usually try to do some ridiculous five-step travel move before doing a triple-pump in the air and missing the entire backboard. How is it that they're still allowed to play on the court? These posers should be told: "You look fucking amazingly good at playing bad."

5. coming soon...