Unconditional

There are a lot of things that I used to believe in that I don't anymore. I remember one Christmas I was at my cousin's house and Santa Claus visited to bring them presents and I didn't get one because the neighbor didn't know that my family was going to be visiting. I must have believed in Santa a lot because I didn't stop crying until he brought me back a present (what a great guy). I remember reading comic books and believing that I could somehow achieve the powers that they had if I wanted it bad enough. I remember believing that I would marry my first girlfriend. I remember believing that alcohol and beer were bad. And, the latest thing that I remember believing that I do not anymore is in unconditional love.

Up until a few weeks ago, I believed in unconditional love. Unconditional love to me is when two people can be separated and have all of these fucked up things happen to them individually to push them apart and they'll still come together in the end. I always kinda thought that no matter what happened to people in their individual lives, that they were still the same people in their core and they would come together because of that. It's kind of like Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (stop reading if you haven't seen it, and plan to). They got their memory erased of each other, but then they still came back together again because of who they were in their core and what they were to each other. I thought that if all of our memories were erased, that we'd still gravitate towards the same people and have most of the same friends that we had before. I think that it's pretty obvious where this is going - I thought that the distance between Quinn and I would have little or no affect on our relationship, but I was wrong.

The one thing that I forgot is that people change. I mean, I didn't forget it, but I didn't believe in it. I've seen my high school friends go through a ton of shit in college and they're different, but they're still the same people. I haven't talked to my best friend from elementary school for years, but I know that if I saw him we'd still get along and have the same dynamic. Maybe it's that things don't change between friends, but they do for people who were in relationships. I mean, I look at the few ex'es that I've loved and I think that they're entirely different people. Maybe it's only because I knew them so well at one point that I can notice these things. Maybe it's because the moment I fell out of love, they changed to me - even if they hadn't changed in reality. Or, maybe it's because people learn from their failures and forcefully change.

This is what makes love conditional. Change. Two people could be soul mates, but if one is sent off to Iraq and the other one is sent to a missionary in South America, chances are that they'll come back home and not be able to relate. Two people could be complete opposites, but be placed into an arranged marriage or find each other when they're both looking for something serious. This couple could probably adapt to each other better than the soul mates returning from Iraq and South America. People think that it's cute to say "let it (love) fly away and if it comes back to you then it's forever". Well, fuck that bullshit. I'm not gonna sit here waiting with my arms open while some dude puts his hands all over my woman. It should be more like "handcuff it to a chair, roll duct tape around it's ankles, and strap it to your back with a post-Dale-Earnhart Nascar regulation seat belt."

I now think that love necessitates proactivity. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for taking the job at Lockheed instead of the one at Northrop, which was close to USC, where Quinn is going to school. I wouldn't say that I changed, but she changed individually without me while she was in LA. The last wedding that I went to, the groom flew all over the world to see his present-day wife - even when they were broken up. If he hadn't given this effort, then most likely they would have never gotten married. Instead of flying around the world, all I had to do is take a job that was offered to me. I was so confident in unconditional love that I believed that things would be exactly the same if I lived up here (close to my family) instead. Even one of us driving or flying every two weeks wasn't enough. Quinn used to tell me that "there are still 11 days in between for us to change." What's 11 days x 26 sets of weeks in a year x 2 years? Whatever it multiplies out to, it's greater than the number of days that love, an engagement, and a hypothetical future could hold out for.

I Don't Like Surprises

Like Holyfield when Tyson bit his ear off...like K-Fed when he got Britney's text...like the US Navy at Pearl Harbor...like Geraldo Rivera at Al Capone's Vault...like Macualay Culkin at Michael's after drinking some "Jesus Juice"...and like Faith Hill at the CMA's...I don't like fucking surprises!

I'm a type "O", or "A", or "green", or "blue", or "ENTJ", or whatever the fuck label they're putting on people that like to plan ahead. Probably that's why I'm really nervous right now. I have no idea what to plan for or what I even want. I'm the kind of person who is always living in the future instead of the present. Even when I'm doing fun things, I'm always thinking about what I want to do next. For me, it's all about looking forward to something.

In high school, it was always the next test result or the next school dance (lame, I know). In college it was always getting a degree and making money. But, now in the working world, there's nothing more than putting in my 40 a week and paying bills.

I've got to mix things up. Things need to be exciting again. Weekends need to be the reward at the end of each week. How can I do that? Isn't that what everyone wants? No more talking to my friends on Monday morning about what they did all weekend and the unanimous response is "nothing." I've decided that I'm going to spearhead the effort to at least try to make lives exciting again. I'm thinking poker nights, video game nights, drinking game nights, movie nights, BBQ's, trips to Tahoe, bowling, pool, clubs, bars, sports games, casinos, beaches, tennis, snowboarding, and maybe even a little game called 7-minutes in heaven (just kidding).

I'm going to have to name myself Social Chair and get everyone together to have fun with their lives. When I was in high school, people always said "cherish it, because this the best time of your life." When I was in college, people changed their minds and said "this will be the best time of your life." Well, fuck that, THIS should be the best time of my life. I finally have money to be able to do whatever the hell I want and a place to do it in. I can go and do whatever I feel like doing without answering to anybody else or having to explain myself.

If I keep being passive and just going with the flow I'm going to end up as an old man who just locks himself in his room and hangs out with his 14 cats while playing World of Warcraft and talking to his computer that he named "Blinky" because of the LED on the front that talks to him in morse code and sends him messages about how to defeating the Red Dragon will cure world hunger. I don't want that.

If YOU don't want that, call me up if you're doing a whole lot of "nothing." I'll call everyone else. We'll kick it...nobody will get 14 cats or take orders from inanimate objects like "Blinky."

My Own Personal Haven

One of the things that I really relish in my everyday life is going to the bathroom at work. There's no better feeling than the relief of going bathroom and knowing that you're getting paid for doing it. Only at work do I feel like I can truely take my time. When I'm at home I always think of what else I could be doing. But when I'm at work the only other thing I could be doing is working. I don't purposely try to take extra time or anything, but I have read 2 and a half books in there during the year that I've been working.

My affection for going to the bathroom at work got me to thinking about bathroom attendants. I think that they must feel the opposite of how I feel. Since the bathroom is their place of work, do they hate going bathroom at home because it's like working and not getting paid? I truely hope that attendants do not see this relaxing occasion as a painful event. If this relief can be seen as toilsome, then what's next, porn stars hating sex?

Lead-Up-to-Children Math

Almost every single woman I've talked to that's 24 and older has broken down their own personal lead-up-to-children math. Women must seriously put themselves on a timeline of when then need to do certain things in a relationship in order to have kids by whatever age they think they want them. If you ask a man his timeline he will probably describe where he will be career wise and what salary he wants to make. Ask a woman and you will get how close she is to popping out the first kid.

Here's how one of them went, not word for word:
girl: I have to have them (children) by the time I'm 35, probably before.
girl: By the time I move, I'll be 27.
girl: That leaves less than 7 years.
girl: Date someone a year, and then I'll be 28.
girl: Married at 29.
girl: That gives me 5 years.
girl: And I want to be married a few years before I even think about having kids.

Another girl I know wants to have kids by the age of 29. She's 25. So, she broke it down that she needs to be in a relationship for 3 years and married for a year. So, that gives her a year to meet her future husband. Panic time!

All this shit is ridiculous. No matter how a woman does the math it always comes up that she should be dating her future husband RIGHT NOW (or a half a year ago). It's this kind of mentality that drives good guys away from women who give them ultimatums. This kind of thing needs to stop. It's not good for the women that think this way or the men who are subjected to those expectations. I have a few friends that have been ultimatum'ed and now their ex'es are married to some deuchebags. Women all over are settling for vaginal cleansers because they're too insecure/impatient to wait for what they really want. What happens if you're married, have children, and meet the guy of your dreams? Wouldn't you trade those years that you created with the deuchebag to start over with the kind of guy you'd really want?

Here's my math:

Age 13: Can have kids...chill out.
Age 21: Can have kids...still okay.
Age 26: Can have kids...don't worry.
Age 30: Can have kids...anytime from here on out is okay.
Age 35: Can have kids...can actually afford them now.
Age 40: Can have kids...college girls may be out of the question at this point.
Age 55: Can have kids...college girls back in the picture - I would't want to take care of the kids.
Age 65: Can have kids...but probably don't want to be like Larry King.

There are other options out there. You can adopt or you can freeze your ovaries. In fact, that's what I'd like to hear from a woman - instead of a timeline of when she needs to have kids, I'd like to hear the timeline for when she needs to freeze her ovaries. A quick Google search found this site that lists costs at about $12.5K to preserve ovaries for 5 years, and $200/yr for storage after that. It would be great if woman did lead-up-to-freezing-ovaries math instead of needing to have children at that age. But, I think that would only change the ultimatums, not eliminate them. I can already tell that women would give ultimatums with an additional option. So it would be: marry me or pay for my ovary preservation by age XX. I'd be down to pay for half.

60 Days

A lot can change in 60 days. I've gone through so many periods of stagnation in my life that I never thought 60 days could make a difference. I'm the kind of person that has the next 5 years planned out, much less the next 60 days. Well, here I am, a completely different person in a different life than just 60 days ago.

60 days ago I was a 26 year old boy who was living with his cousin, working a steady job, and driving down to LA every other weekend to see his fiance. I've since done a lot of forceful growing up. I bought my first house in Sunnyvale, right next to my work. Handling all of the business, scheduling, and finances involved made me grow up real quick and take an active role in my financial goals. Taking this step and seeing money flow through my hands like water gave me the harsh reality that if things go wrong, I won't just be okay. Spending over $45K in 30 days can do that. But I have a plan, I'm pretty sure I can afford it, and my greediness to make money overcomes the uneasiness in spending it. It's a good thing I like foods like Mac-and-cheese, top ramen, and anything on a Taco Bell menu.

I've also gone from happily complacent in my job to almost feeling angrily insufficient. I thought that my Masters in Mech/Aero Engineering would be good enough for me for whatever I wanted to do, but I see all of my peers and younger getting their Masters or MBA's too. I went to talk to my manager last week to let her know that I'm serious about getting my MBA, Engineering Management, or some other degree. I mean, during the interview I had to work there, she specifically told me that she would support me getting an MBA and that work would pay for it. Well, it's out of her hands, but educational re-imbursement maxes out at $7500/semester now. Doesn't she still owe me her best effort to get me into something? I want to join a leadership program that will look good for my career and also pay for schooling 100%. The bad thing is that I'll rotate out of her group and a job that I really enjoy. Still, I'm an easy going guy and I'll probably like anything that's challenging.

As always, I've saved the biggest for last. The biggest change in my life in the past 60 days is probably what I would have defined AS my life. My fiance and I broke up on 4th of July weekend after a huge fight in Vegas. I could probably dedicate a whole website to what happened if I had the propensity and/or the time. Botttom line is that we weren't meant for each other. We were probably the closest thing to it without actually being there, but it wasn't enough for either of us in the end. The really strange and, to me, surreal part of it is that it all spiraled downhill so quickly and ended so badly. All of the negativity that came in the end made me realize that I don't need anybody else. I remember my friend Eric Jones telling me that you change and you change and then one day you think to yourself - I don't even know who I am anymore. People shouldn't have to make those kinds of sacrafices for each other, no matter how much they are in love. And, it's not easy to leave love behind. I still love Quinn and the hypothetical future that we had worked together for 3 years to build with both our visions in mind.

In the end, the letdown was so great that I couldn't even stand to talk to her anymore. Neither of us could stand it. Her, even more so. After the break-up we would spend our conversations arguing over the legistics of who's fault it was and trying to convince ourselves that breaking up was the right thing to do - which it was. I didn't have the person anymore that I could call on the phone and tell about my day. I remember that I was so excited the day that I got my house, but when I got the keys and stepped into it for the first time I realized that I didn't have anybody to share it with. When you have someone special, every day you remember what happened just so that you can tell them and you can have one more story or common opinion about something between each other. Now, I just drudge through and nobody cares about something mundane like me buying a new desk or giving a good presentation at work. After the break up, all I had was this person who I had to edit my life for so that I wouldn't be accused of something new the next day. All of my jokes were interpreted as insults and I interpreted all of her discussions with her friends as them hating me.

After all of this change, I'm left with a lot of sadness, but also a bit of excitement. I'm sad that I'm not living as close to my immediate family, cousins, and good friends Servando, Jones, and Goose. On the other hand, I live closer to some really great people that I met at work. And, I'll never stop hanging out with my brother, cousins, or the Fearsome Foursome crew. I have extra time now since I'm not commuting an hr each way to work and driving down to LA every other weekend. If I had to guess, I'd say that I'll save $450 or more a month on girlfriend expenses (gas, rental car, food, etc). My mortgage will more than offset that though. Hopefully, I'll be able to persue another degree and feel good about where I am. Hopefully, I'll also date around and not take everything so seriously. My past two relationships were 4 1/2 yrs and 3 yrs - that pretty much took me through undergrad, grad school, and into the working world. It's really going to take someone special to convince me into being my old self again. I've gotten burned too many times to have faith in anybody anytime soon. Finally, as a 26 year old man, I feel okay with being a bachelor for the rest of my life. Ever since I started thinking about it at around age 10, I've always wanted a wife and kids. But, as long as I can get some dates and I have good friends and family, then I'll be alright. Oh, and lots of money too.

I Won't Shave Until I'm 50

Since I was knocked out for the duration of my shoulder surgery on Tues, the most memorble part of the whole experience was the nurses constantly commenting to each other that I'm 26 and I look like a teenager. I decided to go into the surgery as clean as possible, so I shaved off my gotee and mustache. The nurse that escorted me from the waiting room into the operation prep room apparently thought I looked like a teenager. She told me that she thought that I was going to need my mom, who drove me to Kaiser, to escort me into the pre-op room. Then, when she got there she proceeded to spread the news and the other nurses kept telling each other. Luckily I'll be MIA from work for the next two weeks while I grow some age back. But, that made me decide: I'm not shaving until I'm 50.

That's Fucking Amazing!

There are certain things that happen to me during the course of a day that make me audibly announce: "That's fucking amazing!". I'm not talking about some feat of acrobatics or a medical breakthrough. I'm talking about someone so amazingly stupid that you are in awe of their mental handicap without the benefit of great parking. I've decided that this calls for another top 10. Each top ten will conclude with a phrase which should be used on these people.

10. Someone going below speed limit.
I'm pretty sure that the speed limits are set in an extremely conservative manner, such that anybody with a legal driver's license should be at least able to travel at this speed. It's difficult for me to comprehend that there are those lacking either the skill or sense of urgency in their own lives to want to go at least speed limit. In fact, I find that the best way to piss a cop off is to pull in front of him and then go speed limit. Two seconds later they'll zoom by you, all pissed off. I'm not completely heartless - anybody who is somebody's grandma or grandpa or has a handicapped sticker gets a free "pass" on this one. But to everyone else, it is appropriate to say: "You are an amazingly slow fucking driver."

9. Someone at work who asks the same question each day for three or more days in a row.
I'm a "team" player, but certain people are definitely in need of a kick down to the minors to work on their swing. In every office, there is the person who refuses to take notes on what you're explaining to them. Even after you outright suggest that they take notes, they're still confident in their memory. Is it possible to forget that you keep forgetting? Son, that is a amazing skill. To these people, it is curtious to say: "You have fucking amazing skills of forgetting that you forgot!"

8. Someone who you don't know that farts around you with no remorse.
I'm down for my friends fanning their farts at me if their bowels are granting them a particularly punishing day, but when it's someone that you don't know, it kind of pisses you off and makes you wonder what they're thinking. The real question is: if someone you don't know farts in your vicinity, does it become kosher for you to fart in their vicinity? It should be. It's like if someone hits your ass after a good play in sports, it becomes okay for you to pat their ass after they do something good. There's just an understanding there. I would go as far to say that it's okay to track this person down and then let it out once you're in their vicinity. At least then they know: game on. To these people say: "You are fucking amazing at making fart-buddies!"

7. Someone who can talk for hours without saying anything new.
There are certain people who can get talking about a single topic and run on that for hours on end. The story and main points will start out harmless enough, but by the 6th minute you notice some kind of pattern. Could it be that this person is saying the same thing over and over again every 5 minutes? It's like there is this reset button, and he/she forgets that he/she already said that. Then, they say the exact same things following the first point because they just re-trace their train of thought. After the second go-round, you really need to make a stop to this and say: "You are an amazing fucking circle talker!"

6. Someone with all of the sports gear who sucks at that sport.
Snowboarders are a perfect example of this. I'm not saying that every snowboarder should be doing tricks or carving double-black diamonds - but they should be mindful of what they're spending money on. A $1000 board won't make you any better than a $200 dollar board. Either will the $500 fits. Nobody I personally know is out of control on this, but I've definitely met some in college. Another example is NBA fans. There are so many people who show up on basketball courts with the new Jordans, knee-high socks, a headband, and an AI armband, but they absolutely suck. They usually try to do some ridiculous five-step travel move before doing a triple-pump in the air and missing the entire backboard. How is it that they're still allowed to play on the court? These posers should be told: "You look fucking amazingly good at playing bad."

5. coming soon...

Blogger Friend

My buddy at work, Gary Luu, just started a blog. Check it out: www.garyluu.com.

Bobs and Dicks

I work with a number of Bobs, and their formal nametags always say "Robert". This got me to thinking: how the heck do you get Bob from Robert? Rob makes sense, that's fine, but Bob is just made up. I think all guys who want to be called Bob should have to change their names to Bobert.

Another peculiar name is Dick. Who the hell came up with the decision that a nickname for Richard is Dick? It makes no sense at all. I always look at a person who elects to be called Dick with a bit of concern and bewilderment. Dicks should have to change their names as well. Since Dick is too perverse to be a name in itself, all Dicks should be Dickards.

I here decree that Bobs are Boberts and Dicks are Dickards. Spread the word.

Same Sex Marraiges

Enough is enough! I didn't care so much in 2004, when Republicans used anit-gay propoganda to re-elect Bush, but now they've gone too far!

This article explains that Republicans who control Senate plan to vote on amending the CONSTITUTION to make gay marraige illegal (in all states). That would force all states to adhere to this law because federal laws have precidence over state laws. There's no reason for this legislature at all! Why is it so important to try to create this ruling now, you may ask. It's all propoganda to try to get conservationalist Republicans to get to the polls and vote so that they'll be ready for the next elections. How ridiculous is this???!!! In my mind, if this passes, the government will become the very tyranny that we claimed our independence from in 1776. I thought that the whole point of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution was to grant its constituents freedoms, not make sure they never have them. I also believe that the Constitution's job should be to protect its citizens. But, what protection would banning gay marraige grant us? Homosexuals are all over TV and have become a part of our culture - a part of our culture that I find re-assuring. It's re-assuring to know that people won't be outcast or punished for being themselves. Homosexuality isn't hurting anybody, except those who can't accept it. It sickens me that our overbound Protestant population is so large that the real THINKERS in this country are overpowered by a bunch of biggots. Why not just go ahead and ammend the Constitution to be rid of the freedom of religion? If you're going to impose your beliefs on others, like you would with a gay marraige ban, then wouldn't it be much more to the point to just force everyone to be Protestant?

I will have lost all faith in our political system if this ban is EVER passed. To those of you who are reading this, please make it a topic of discussion and get the word out that they CAN NOT do this!

If this law passes, I will do everything in my power to try to get California to declare independence from the United States. I'm 100% serious. I will personally make it my life's work to fight against the despotism that is the United States Government. I'm not going to pretent like I'm a political expert, but I DO know right from wrong. And so should everbody else!

NSA Collects Numbers Americans Call

Great, first the NSA (National Security Agency) is caught for wire tapping, and now they're dumb enough to let out that they've also been collecting phone numbers. Now, my reaction isn't that I'm upset because my privacy has been intruded upon or that I've been stripped of some non-existant rights, but, rather, that the NSA has fucked up and leaked that they have this info. They'll might as well personally e-mail all of the possible terrorists that they know of and give them a guide book on how to be more secretive. I'm not a paranoid person, but I assume that the government knows everything about me already. That's why I don't give a rat's ass that they possibly have a list of my phone call history. I mean, think about what the government ALREADY knows. I guarantee that they know your SSN, address, phone number, e-mail address, credit card numbers, bank account numbers, salary, investments, sexual preference, and probably even whether you prefer syrup or jelly. If those things aren't things to be scared about, then why would you give a shit about your calling history?

I know that citizens' rights activists arguement is that they are slowly taking away our freedoms, and where do we draw the line. Well, why don't we just make a law that states that the government can only use these means for terrorist related charges or as evidence for crimes at the felony level? There are plenty of "due process" laws where evidence can't be used against a defendant if it was acquired in an immoral manner. How do you guys feel about this "invasion" of privacy?

Thought of the Day, April 18th

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and fart, but almost crap your pants? And you know you have to go, but you're too lazy to get up? And you wake up a little earlier beacuse you know that you're gonna have to crap? But, when you get up you don't have to crap anymore?

Where does that crap go? Come on man, I'm up...and I'm ready this time!

Thought of the Day

Once you get over 50 it becomes okay to sleep at work.

Another Thought of the Day

Sometimes my gf asks me, "don't you want to have a daughter with an exotic name?" To which I say - "Do you know what girls with exotic names end up doing?"

Thoughts of the Day

I usually don't a have any thoughts worth sharing in any given day, but for those rare occasions that I actually have something worth mentioning, I've decided to encorporate 'Thoughts of the Day'.

Todays Thought of the Day:

Anyone who has a license plate with his/her name within the lettering should be shot.

Please feel free to post your comments or own thoughts of the day.

New Stop Signs

As you all probably know, there are a lot of things done in this country that aren't done very well. I think that stop signs could use some improvement. Whenever you get to a four-way intersection, or whatever, you can't tell which directions have stop signs right away. You have to look for signs that could be hidden by trees or stuck in a strange spot where only the driver at that stop would notice it.

My solution for this problem is that I think that signs should indicate which other directions have stop signs. They could do this by having different colors at the sides where there are stop signs for other cars. For instance, at a four-way intersection where everyone has a stop sign, everyone's signs would look like this:






















...and an intersection where only the person across from you has a stop sign would look like this:























Anyone else agree? The color could be something else other than yellow to offset the red.

Specialized Parking

If you're ever cruising around 713 Linden Ave, South San Francisco, CA you can bear witness to this highly restricted parking spot.

In case your mind isn't as perverted as my own, it appears that in order to park here you have to be riding a handicapped man or else a handicapped man getting ridden by someone. Guess this guy's still got one working "leg." I really wish that I had some hilarious comments for this picture, but I'll be like Maxim and have a "best comments" about this picture contest. Be creative!

The Biggest Cop-Out

The biggest cop out that I've ever heard is a constant excuse for being an asshole or not wanting to do ANYTHING. This excuse can get its users out of social obligations, sexual expectations, work, meetings, and basically anything that requires physical or mental activity. This overused, free-ticket-out-of-anything probably was once a valid defense, but the constant abuse has left even the most lenient skeptics agape. Yes, guys and gals, you all know what cover-up I'm talking about: PMS.

This all-too-oftenly used excuse must be subjected to some form of control! Jesus, if women were really on their periods as often as they said they were, they'd bleed to death! Any fool knows that it only occurs once a month, but even the biggest idiot doesn't have the guts to challenge a woman's feminine ambitions. And it's not like men can do the same thing. You don't see rapists getting away with saying, "Hey, I was just filled with all this testosterone, get off my back."

As men, we need to find creative ways to get away with things by blaming our testosterone - just like women do for blaming their PMS. Here are a few examples for men everywhere to use in their lives:

-"Honey, I'm sorry I didn't do the dishes/laundry/vacuuming/cooking like I said I would - I was feeling like I had too much testosterone to do that today."

-"So what if I slapped/kicked you in the face, my testosterone made me do it. Let's not make a big deal about it."

-"I didn't mean to cheat on you with your best friend/sister/MILF/GILF, it was that darn testosterone again."

-"I intended on going to work, but I was home sick all day with testosterone."

-"I would love to cuddle after sex, but the only cure for this testosterone right now is Sports Center and a cold New Castle."

-"Why do I need this medicinal marijuana prescription Doc? Well, it makes me feel better from my bad case of testicular cramps and bloating from my testosterone."

Men, feel free to be creative. Nothing is beyond the realm of possibility. Next time you find yourself in a bind, don't feel bad about falling back on good old testosterone to bail you out - women have been using PMS as an excuse for centuries!