Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Lies Begat Lies

I updated this blog because I found it to be un-funny. Hope it's better now.

I think that amongst my friends that I have a reputation for telling strange lies at improper moments. I don't really do this because I'm a pathological liar, or because I'm an asshole or anything. I do this for my own, and hopefully, for the others' entertainment. Each lie has to be carefully delivered and crafted. You have to have your audience really contemplating whether it's a lie or not. If you make a lie too out there it will just be shrugged off and just seen as a stupid comment or attempt at a joke. If your lie isn't out there enough, people will wonder why you made up that lie, because it has little entertainment value and would be just weird. I feel strongly that if you value the entertainment of those around you, then before you go out each weekend, you should write down a few good lies to tell to your friends. In case a few of you are searching your melons and are finding nothing, here are a few suggestions:

1) A good friend who is not present acquired a new drug addiction, sexually transmitted disease, and/or sexual preference.
2) It has recently been discovered that heroin, while bad for the heart, brain, nerves, liver, kidneys, intestinal tract, and arteries, is good for keeping mosquitos away.
3) a) We're winning the war in Iraq.
b) We're really getting those Iraqi bastards back for 9/11.
4) The new Pope, in his first act, has just announced that the minimum age requirement for alter boys dating priests has been reduced from 14 to 10!
5) Ghosts are taking over your room at night- but all they do is country line dance, which is worse than actually haunting you.
6) The girl that just totally blew you off did so because she's a lesbian.
7) Animality and kiddy porn isn't all that bad once you open your mind (keep that serious looking face).
8) A couple that everyone knows recently was written about on ESPN (see next post).
9) Breathing air causes cancer.
10) The end is near! Repent, you sinners!! (followed by praising for the rest of the night).

Saying any of these would obviously been seen as a ridiculous lie. That's where the delivery comes in. If you say it with a straight enough face and with enough integrity, people will wonder for a bit. So, go forth young souls! Pick a lie or else make up one of your own for this weekend. If you can have your audience believing it until the NEXT weekend, mission accomplished.