Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Check For Babies

I'm not usually much of a humanitarian, but I think that time has finally matured me and I'm ready to start making contributions to society. When I started thinking of a worthy cause, I just searched my heart and discovered my love for children. So, I'm ready to live the rest of my life devoted to saving children. Here's my first effort:

I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night and there was this guy who was pregnant. That thought was combined with my buddy Servando's loss of 4 pounds in a single day (so he says). The outcome of the two thoughts in my mind was that if it was possible for men to deliver, then maybe my buddy Servando gave birth. He thought that it might have been a big dump, but Servando, did you check your dump for a baby? Maybe there was a baby in there! You never know!!!

So, everyone, take this as a lesson: check your dumps for babies!

It gives me such a good feeling to know that I've probably saved hundreds of babies that otherwise would have just been flushed like dead goldfish.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Foundation of Society

I had this whole elaborate entry for this topic, but it was getting too long and involved way too much research. Initially I was going to describe the history of each brainstormed idea for what the Foundation of Society is in their own paragraphs. But, I wasn't getting the facts on religion and family values that I wanted, so I just quit and re-wrote the entire thing...

Sometimes I think about our modern society, and I wonder what makes our society great. What is it that society is so dependent upon, that without this ideal it would just fall apart?

At first I brainstormed the typical conclusions: democracy, religion, family values, communities, or friends. One random night out, I stopped, looked around me, and thought about what was going on. I thought about how much of what was happening was due to alcohol. Alcohol had given people a reason to get together. A common interest that knows no boundaries.

I've never underestimated the importance of sports. Sports allows people to transcend boundaries that would normally keep them from hanging out or meeting. You don't have to be of the same race, religion, age group, educational background, or economic class. All you have to have is the common interest in a sport. In fact, I make it a point to know at least something about every sport, no matter how boring it is. That way I'll have something in common with 99% of the guys I meet (I check out tabloids too so that I cover 99% of the women). And when I walk onto a soccer field for my intramural league at work, I know that there is more going on than a soccer game. I've literally met over 100 co-workers because of soccer at work. Alcohol has the same ability. People only have to have the fondness for getting drunk in common; and who doesn't like to get fucked up here and there? I already wrote about how old people's retirement plans are often getting drunk all the time.

In order to realize how important alcohol is to our society, one only has to think about Prohibition - an event so meaningful that the complete description isn't necessary for it's title. It's like calling JFK's death: Assasination. There have been numberous prohibitions in the past, but none so significant that the word takes on the meaning of the act. Prohibition lasted for only 13 years (1920-1933), during which time alcohol intake per capita increased instead of the intended decrease. Alcohol is THAT important to our society. During prohibition, people either got their hands on booze, or moved on to drugs, since both were illegal anyways.

I guess that what I'm getting at is that alcohol plays this often unseen and underappreciated role in our society. People go out drinking with their friends without even appreciating that they have something to do on Wednesday Friday nights. So, next time you go out for a drink, don't thank the bartender - thank the Alcohol. If you're a coward say, "Thank you Alcohol for giving me the courange to talk to women." If you're a white boy, say "Thank you Alcohol for giving me the ability to dance." Fat chicks say, "Thank you Alcohol for putting beer goggles on this guy." If you're an engineer, say "Thank you Alcohol for allowing me to socialize with...gulp...people in real life." If you're a female bartender, say "Thank you Alcohol for paying me the same for my cleavage that strippers get for showing their whole bodies." If you're a priest, say "Thank you Alcohol for giving me an alternative to sex." If you're a retiree, say "Thank you Alcohol for making me fun at family reunions again." And if you're a manic depressant, say "Thank you Alcohol for giving me a reason to live one more day."

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Does "Fat" Smell?

So, I was dropping a deuce today at work, which is considerably less enjoyable ever since I finished reading "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown, and I found myself surrounded on both sides. First of all, there are like 15 frickin' stalls in there, so why do people have to do their stuff right next to me? I know they see my damn feet! I'm curteous enough to stagger stalls so that I give more privacy than a wall that doesn't even extend to the ground (why don't they?) and a front wall that has considerably spaced gaps between the door and the hinges.

So, I guess I was there around peak time: 8:30am (is it just my work?) because there were a TON of people in there. I guess that's when the raisin bran starts kicking in. Some guy was humming music, the guy on my right sounded like he was busting his o-ring, and the guy on my left was getting settled. I definitely know some people that can smell up an entire public bathroom, but the stink I was subjected to was different. At first I thought it was a mean deuce, but then my senses told me it was worse: "fat" smell. I was like "wtf" and looked over at what I could see, and there were tree trunk ankles over there, so my "fat" conclusion was proving correct.

So, what the hell is that smell? Is it the smell of missing places to wash that are hidden by folds or impossible to reach due to lack of flexibility? Is it the smell of overactive sweat glands from extra "insulation"? Is it the smell of pork rinds? Does fat actually smell?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Stay With Me People!

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile, but I promise that I have a few great ones coming up. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

It's a Man's World

I was feeling a bit slighted and downright bitter shortly after purchasing the engagement ring for my fiancée. Not because of the money, or anything having to do with actually getting engaged; it was the best decision of my life. No, it's because realized that I wasn't going to get anything back. Where the heck is my engagement ring? Or, even a diamond tooth, pendant, bracelet, necklace, watch, cufflinks, or something else a man would like to wear.

I couldn't believe that the men setting the conventions let me down this time. Shit, I want some bling bling. But then I realized the truth of it all. Every time Quyen came back from some social event or something, all of here friends went all googalie eyed over her ring. I felt pretty good about that, and further speculated that it would be a sure "fuck off" message for any guys trying to pick up on my fiancée. What more could a guy ask for than a shiny sign on his girl telling other guys to fuck off? It's like I'm buying a piece of real estate on her body. Maybe in the future, we'll save ourselves the financial burden and just buy tatoos to slap onto our fiancée's foreheads. That's not much different that a dot on the forehead in Indian culture. Those guys are onto something...

But the issue still remains, why am I getting slighted? Well, I'm not. It's a Man's World after all, have faith my brotha. The logic is this: men don't want to admit that they're taken. Women want to be taken, but men don't. I'm not talking about my particular situation, just why the conventions are as they stand. Wearing some engagement paraphernalia would totally fuck up a man's game, so some wise group of bachelors decided that men would get nothing in return for engagement rings. Seems backwards at first glance, but good thinking guys! You guys are so smart!

Legally, you can't own another person. But, and engagement ring around her finger is damnnn close to owning a woman. Meanwhile, no amount of money can buy real estate on a man. That is, until the wedding band...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

When Sex is Not the #1 Priority

Wow, I saw this article at ESPN.com and I couldn't resist writing about it, or at least mentioning it. Women, beware, this may happen to you some day. I think that men regard sex higher than anything else in this world, but the moment right after, all other things that we should be doing with our lives flood the gates. Enjoy the article:

PANAMA CITY, Fla. -- A man who got angry with his wife because she wanted to cuddle after sex when what he really wanted to do was watch sports on television was sentenced to death for killing her with a claw hammer.

Christopher Offord, 30, was sentenced Wednesday by Circuit Judge Dedee Costello, who said the brutality of the crime outweighed any mental problems Offord may have had.

"The defendant struck his wife approximately 70 individual blows after spending a happy interlude with her," the judge said. "Her desire to cuddle after sex does not justify the extremely violent, brutal response of the defendant."

Offord pleaded guilty to first-degree murder in the 2004 slaying of Dana Noser, 40, at his apartment.

He confessed to a bartender at a sports bar before his arrest. He told investigators that his wife had been nagging him to come back to bed.

Offord did not speak in court but said in a jailhouse interview in June: "I figured I killed her so I deserve to die."

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Lies Begat Lies

I updated this blog because I found it to be un-funny. Hope it's better now.

I think that amongst my friends that I have a reputation for telling strange lies at improper moments. I don't really do this because I'm a pathological liar, or because I'm an asshole or anything. I do this for my own, and hopefully, for the others' entertainment. Each lie has to be carefully delivered and crafted. You have to have your audience really contemplating whether it's a lie or not. If you make a lie too out there it will just be shrugged off and just seen as a stupid comment or attempt at a joke. If your lie isn't out there enough, people will wonder why you made up that lie, because it has little entertainment value and would be just weird. I feel strongly that if you value the entertainment of those around you, then before you go out each weekend, you should write down a few good lies to tell to your friends. In case a few of you are searching your melons and are finding nothing, here are a few suggestions:

1) A good friend who is not present acquired a new drug addiction, sexually transmitted disease, and/or sexual preference.
2) It has recently been discovered that heroin, while bad for the heart, brain, nerves, liver, kidneys, intestinal tract, and arteries, is good for keeping mosquitos away.
3) a) We're winning the war in Iraq.
b) We're really getting those Iraqi bastards back for 9/11.
4) The new Pope, in his first act, has just announced that the minimum age requirement for alter boys dating priests has been reduced from 14 to 10!
5) Ghosts are taking over your room at night- but all they do is country line dance, which is worse than actually haunting you.
6) The girl that just totally blew you off did so because she's a lesbian.
7) Animality and kiddy porn isn't all that bad once you open your mind (keep that serious looking face).
8) A couple that everyone knows recently was written about on ESPN (see next post).
9) Breathing air causes cancer.
10) The end is near! Repent, you sinners!! (followed by praising for the rest of the night).

Saying any of these would obviously been seen as a ridiculous lie. That's where the delivery comes in. If you say it with a straight enough face and with enough integrity, people will wonder for a bit. So, go forth young souls! Pick a lie or else make up one of your own for this weekend. If you can have your audience believing it until the NEXT weekend, mission accomplished.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Blogger Buddy

Hey everyone should check out my buddy Eric Jones' weblog. He's got a lot things to think about, or just laugh at.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

A Cog In A Machine

When confronted with the question of the existence of the soul I am forced to first think of what defines a singular entity. A person seems the most obvious solution. But deeper thought raises uncertainty. One should ask, why would a person seem the most prevalent answer?

A person (or animal or even a plant) seems to be the only entity capable of thought. As Descartes so simply stated: “I think, therefore I am.” But are we the smallest thinking organisms? Is it possible that the very cells that we are made of are thinking too? Most people would agree that they are controlled by us, and therefore, can not posses a soul. Cells are simply reactionary, not capable of independent thought. This is what discounts them as living beings.

So, now we have hypothesized that independent thought is the base requisite. But, ask yourself this… (and this is where the open-mindedness comes in); are we capable of independent thought? Well, of course we are, or how else would I be able to write this contemplation without being ordered to do it? Perhaps I wasn’t ordered to write this, but is my writing this an act of independence or a result of my upbringing, livelihood, education, and interaction with others? Now we get to my point. It is this: are we capable of independent thought , or are we just a product of our environments, simply reacting to stimuli, as cells do in a body? The parallel is that people are cells and our environment is the body. In a way, all of Earth is a body. It harbors living organisms that react to each other to form one giant thinking entity.

But Earth can not be an entity. Why is this? It is because each of its pieces are not connected to one another. In a body, cells are connected to each other in order to relay information. With the dawn of the telephone, the television, and the internet, have we not become connected? Perhaps the physical connection escapes us, but the mental one is of greater importance (and perhaps the only important matter). Have you ever heard of six-degrees of separation? It states that if one person were to relay a message to six of his/her friends, and each of them relayed the message to six of their friends, and so on, then the message would reach the whole world. This parallels the brain wanting to move the toe. An electrical pulse (message) begins at the brain, is passed along nerves and cells, and eventually reaches the toe.
We still have much to consider. If we are simply a cog in a machine, then what does the machine do? Simple… it evolves. Its main purpose seems to be technological growth. Just as cells would arrange themselves to create a cure, people have technological growth to ensure their survival. Now, the purpose for that cure would be to use it to save a life or learn from it. Perhaps there are others observing us and seeing how we solve problems. Maybe we are a cell in a Petri dish. That would explain our origin and our meaning of life (as sad as it would be).

Most are quick to dismiss this theory of individual insignificance. This is because we want to feel important. We want to feel like our lives are more than just a sacrifice for the greater good. Believe me, they are. People contribute more than just societal gain. Most produce social benefit as well. Happiness, the love of another, achieving one’s goals- these are the reasons for living. Our social interactions are what make us unique; what give us personality. Maybe along with technological growth, we are also capable of behavioral growth. Imagine being able to observe a group of cells and learn all of the ways that they can interact with each other. By looking at these cells and their interactions, you could learn the limit to the possibilities of their interactions. If you observed these cells for long enough, the mysteries of the living universe would eventually all be solved…and I mean all of them. You would just need to create a life (the big bang), alter it if you messed up or wanted to change scenarios (the dinosaurs), and make sure they survive for long enough.

So, why would any race (or whatever created us) need to observe us if they are advanced enough to create us? Well, who’s to say we aren’t some high-school like lab experiment? Or that we aren’t just one of many ongoing experiments? Who knows!?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Most Dangerous Place in America

When you think of dangerous places, what typically comes to mind are ghettos, possible terrorist targets, mafia hideouts, drug houses, nuceleur plants, and Deroit Pistons games. But many don't realize the dangers of what looks like an orinary parking lot in an ordinary neighborhood. Five minutes of observation is enough to convince onceself that this is, indeed, the most dangerous place in America. The place that I'm talking about is: an Asian Supermarket Parking Lot.

Some stereotypes are true- asians being bad drivers is one of them. Nowhere else have I seen such disregard for rules or lack of skill behind the wheel. Ever see a head on collision at 5 mph? Go check out your local Ranch 99. I know that everyone's learned a 3-point turn in driver's ed, but have you ever seen a 20-point turn? Follow the fishy smell. Ever seen a full parking lot with only half of the spots actually occupied, with each car diagonally parked in the parallel spots? Go where the old lady who smells like moth balls is coming from.

If you ever find yourself at one of these places, you'd better be ready to dodge cars or else give in and try to be the last one standing like it's demolition derby. When on foot, be ready to dodge cars like it's the running of the bulls. Drivers probably aren't trying to hit you or run you over, but it sure seems that way. It's like a sick game of Frogger just to get from your car into the store. But it's worth it for the milk tea.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

The Evolution of Man

I decided to post something on the lighter side of life.

I never understood the introduction to each Desperate Housewives episode until Quyen pointed it out to me: the evolution of woman. It starts out with Adam and Eve and Eve picks the apple from the tree of Eden. Then, it shows women in a bunch of subservient roles until one day, the woman punches the man. Then, the Desperate Housewives are shown- modern day women. That’s a pretty good depiction of the evolution of women. I suppose that women are almost equal in our society now. I wonder how the evolution of man would go…

*camera pans to clouds and picture blurs while harp music is played*

The evolution of Man would begin a little before the evolution of Woman. Man would be walking the Earth, free of worries, hunger, pain, obligation, and, best of all, sin. Then, Woman would pick the apple and Man would wish he had that rib back. For the next few thousand years, Man would then decide to keep Woman in the house where she couldn’t do any more damage. Man would hunt for food, fight wars, and sow the land and Woman would cook, clean, and make babies. One day, Man would get tired of bringing home the bacon every day, and trick Woman into thinking that she wants to be seen as an equal, and she needs a job for that. Man would soon resent his trick when Woman began wanting more and more things. Woman wanted Man to do the laundry. Woman wanted Man to cook. Woman wanted Man to clean. Woman even began to want Man to be another Woman (which actually was okay with Man, as long as he could watch). Man tried to revolt by opening strip clubs and making difficult things like Mathematics requisite for more jobs, but the damage was already done: Woman had become like Man (sometimes literally). Now Man and Woman are in a constant battle for who’s the Man. OJ Man kills Woman. Bobbit Woman robs Man of manhood. Man creates Married With Children. Woman creates Sex and the City. Man invents sports. Woman invents shopping. Man approves of the pill. Woman insists on the condom. Man puts Victoria Secret commercials on TV. Woman puts tampon commercials on TV. Woman no longer needs man due to artificial insemination. Man no longer needs Woman due to cloning. If all of this silliness continues, I think that eventually Man and Woman will be just become Hermaphrodite. I guess it would be nice to have my own boobs…

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Censored

Sorry all, my last post was removed because it was hurtful to certain parties. I thought that it was completely neutral and, if anything, an expression of my feelings for certain other parties and my sadness due to the breakup. I'm sorry that certain other parties took it that way, it was not my intention for it to be hurtful in any way. I have a lot of respect for others' feelings and I'm not spiteful or feel any hatred. I was just trying to understand the situation and get support because I feel really lost. I feel really terrible for any wrong doing on my part.

I hope, and I know, that nobody took this as an attack at certain other parties. The other parties are still the parties that I love and wish the best for. I still hold other parties with the highest regard and I’m sure my friends do too. Other parties are still good people. I think that the post was objective and just a statement of what occurred.

I wanted to apologize once again…I apologize and feel badly if context was taken the wrong way.

Maybe this issue will get resolved.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

I Got A Job (for real this time)!

Finally, I can sleep at night and stop worrying about how to set myself for welfare collection. I can stop watching episodes of Con on Comedy Central, vividly taking notes on how I could make a living in the porn industry. I can stop buying a small fries every night at McDonalds, just so that I can get the free Big Mac. Yes, it's true, I got a job. I went down to El Segundo, Ca a few weeks ago to interview with Northrop Grumman, and they let me know two Tuesdays ago that they were going to give me an offer. I'm really happy with the offer- it made my decision process a lot easier.

I have to really stop here and thank Andrew Jang for submitting my resume and hooking me up with an interview. I hope that you get a bonus dude!

The interview was actually a two day event, from Thursday to Friday. NG was nice enough to fly me down there, rent me a car (an SUV, I dunno why), and pay for room and board. I got situated on United Airlines, which I thought would be better than my usual Southwest flight, but it was worse. The legroom is smaller, and the overhead compartments are sized for purses and handbags. And on the way back, it took over an hour for them to check my bag in. I almost missed my flight, even though I arrived super early. The carry on bag check took another 40 minutes. Maybe it was just because it was LAX.

I was pretty edgy getting to the Thursday reception because it started at 4:00pm, and my plane landed at 3:00pm. Even though the reception was in the hotel that they set us up in (Embassy Suites) that's still not a whole lot of time to land, get our bags, get to the car rental office, get our cars, drive to the hotel, and change into suits. They rented us Budget cars, and a guy that I met on the plane (who was also going to the interviews) and I were waiting for over 10 minutes and no Budget bus was coming to take us to the rental site. So, I did what I always do in sticky situations- I ask myself what my mom would do. We had seen at least 5 Avis buses pass by, so I flagged one of them down that had no passengers and asked her to take us to Budget, in exchange for a tip. It worked and we made it to the reception just on time.

Basically, we got to meet a lot of the important people at the El Segundo location and learn about the company. All of that, and then the whole experience was summed up into my 30 minute interview. I thought that I did badly or just average, but I can't complain now about the results. The sweetest thing was that they set me up in the Embassy Suites until Sunday. So, I used that time to visit my girlfriend and enjoy reimbursable meals. If you ever stay at the Embassy Suites, remember this: they have a FREE bar open between around 5:00pm and 7:30pm for all residents. You just show your room key card and they give you two drinks at a time- beer and well drinks.

Well, I'm really going to miss the Bay Area. I've lived in Nor Cal my whole life. I promise not to become superficial and/or get pectoral implants in So Cal. I'll always keep it real and boo the Dodgers, Lakers, and Raiders (if there are Raiders fans left) while cheering for the Giants, Kings/Warriors, and Niners. I'm going to really miss my family and the friends that I made up here. I'll be sure to keep in touch and visit once a month, or as much as possible. On the positive side, I'm going to get to see a lot more of my girlfriend, and hopefully get to know her family better. That's something that's really important to me, and I don't know if I would get that opportunity if I lived up here my whole life.

I'm off to work for The Man, around the middle of June. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

#1 Type of People I Hate Most

*Bum da dum, ba bum da da dum da dummmm*

Here it is, the exciting conclusion that has been keeping America on its toes. The votes are in and the judges have confirmed. The number one type of people that I hate most is: The Man.

1) The Man
Okay, I know that you're thinking. The Man isn't a type of people- it's singular, he's a man. No my friend, you're wrong. The Man is all around us. He is Big Brother. My definition of the man is basically anybody or any entity that controls you against your will.

Most people think that their boss is The Man. If The Man is big brother, than your boss is more like twin sister. Yeah, (s)he can tell you what to do, but (s)he can't make you do squat. You have more of a partnership with your boss, like you would with your twin sister. If your sister treats you bad you can always rip the heads off of her barbies (do bad or counter-productive work) and then she'll end up telling on you (getting you fired). But you have that option (I, personally would never do that though). And, don't you think that your boss thinks that his boss is The Man? None of these people are The Man. Nobody knows who The Man is. Otherwise, he wouldn't be The Man. He would be Mr. Bush, or Mr. Gates, or Mr. Swedish Junk Furniture. The Man are the people behind the people.

Any time that you have to watch the same news over and over again, it's because of The Man. Any time that some new crap ass car comes out with 50 miles to the gallon, when really they can make cars that get over 200 miles to the gallon, and we are supposed to feel excited about it, it is because of The Man. Whenever an African American community is held down by drugs or vices to keep them in ghettos, it is because of The Man. Even whenever you have to pay a speeding/parking ticket, a property tax, a "processing" fee, a hidden bank fee, or just pay for anything that should really be free, it is because of The Man. Even if you just wanted to live on your own land and hunt and gather your own food, there's bound to be some tax that you owe.

Did we really agree to all of these things that are going on?

I don't remember signing a paper allowing the use of my tax dollars for the attack on Iraq. I want a tax refund since there were no weapons of mass destruction found. Where is my Desert Storm II (what it really is) Refund Check? And when should I expect to get my Operation Iraqi Freedom Refund Check?

I don't remember voting down stem cell research. I remember voting for it in California. But that still is at a greatly inflated cost and with enormous restrictions.

I don't remember voting down gay marriages. My cousin, Geoff, recently made a very good point. Gay people who want to get married are the ones who really love each other the most. They're not in it for the tax breaks and they're not out making big mistakes that have divorce rates increasing each year. They're in it for the recognition and the sanctity of the union. How ironic that the people who cherish marriage the most are the ones who are unable to marry.

Why do the rich get richer and the poor get poorer? It's all because of the way that The Man set up our society and because of who he wants to take care of, and who he wants to pay the price for it. You hear all of the time about some kid coming out of poverty to rise above, get an education, and make something of him/herself. That's great. But that is nowhere near as common as the story of the rich kid who doesn't do jack and gets ushered into his fortune. And that kid who came from poverty will probably end up working for the rich kid, making him even more money.

The Man gets a piece of every pie. Every shirt that you buy, every donation you make, every TV show you really like, every steak that you eat, and every breath that you breathe is owned by The Man. Every image that gives you a good feeling inside and makes you happy was put there by The Man.

Am I bitter? At some things, yes. Am I happy? Yes. Do I feel like I need to change the world and get rid of The Man? Surprisingly, no. Somebody has to run things. In some ways, I'm glad that some of the bad things are there. Would I be doing well if others weren't doing badly? Sadly, probably not. Everything is Yin and Yang. The evils of The Man are tolerable for the order and humanity that is in our society. But like Jay-Z says: I can't help the poor if I'm one of them, so I got rich and gave back, to me that's the win-win. Meaning, allow the system to be as it is, and go with it, but don't forget about your own morals.

Monday, April 11, 2005

10 Types of People I Hate Most (Cont)

Okay, time for me to stop slacking. Sorry to all (4 or less) people who have been coming to my blog and finding the same old stuff. I also wanted to make #2 and #1 really good and put some thought into who I really hate.

So, here goes:

2) People who are always wrong, but think that they're always right.
The loudest person you know is probably the stupidest as well. This person throws logic out of the window and replaces it with loud shouting or meaningless insults. This person thinks that "your mom" is a valid reply to any argument against him/her. I admit that I think that the occasional "yo mama" is appropriate to answer people's questions when they're asking too many questions, but I won't use it in serious debate. This person won't even budge when a room full of you all are trying to tell him/her that (s)he is wrong. You can not reason with this person. Some people have almost a unique sense of reality. No, Iraq did not cause 9/11, no, evolution is not a myth, no, not all asians are good at math and not all blacks are good athletes, no, that triangle scheme will not make you rich, no, women and men are not equal, and, no, Brad Pitt did not cheat on Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie (thanks to Quyen for this one).

This person is typically a testosterone filled idiot or a feminist moron, but can also be in the form of a normal person who tries too hard to be intellectual. You do your best to avoid these people, but they somehow hunt you down and you find yourself clenching a fist or thinking of ways to torture people, while still keeping them alive (sorry, I just watched Sin City). The macho pig is usually talking about how the sex was with some woman he never had sex with or else how much money he has in the bank when it's really in credit card debt. He thinks that women love it when you fart and wave it around and that an abused woman got what she deserved. The feminist cow is blirting out ridiculous claims like women's sports are catching up to men's sports, or that women don't need men anymore. The worst is the stupid intellectual. This person forces his/her way into cliques of smart people and jumps in a conversation when whatever (s)he saw on CNN that day comes up. Having no ideas or opinions of his/her own, the ideas that (s)he tries to pass on as original come out as a recording of the daily news...Wow, Bush saved us from the terrorist you say?...The US is helping things get better in Israel, really?...Yes, the KKK should be allowed to meet...I didn't know that the US is so loved around the world...What, Batman and Robbin saved the day again? Stop trying so hard to be smart. Just be how smart you are. I hate politics, and I'm ignorant about 1/2 the things that go on in the world. But I can admit that. I have my opinions, but I can give someone credit for proving me wrong. People who never think that they're wrong lose credibility. After that, nobody believes them, even when they're right.

I hate to do this again...but, to be continued...

At least I'll tell you #1. #1 is: The Man.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Chimpanzees ate my balls!

I was playing Counter-Strike today and, of course, the guys on there were talking about the weirdest things that they heard lately. I didn't believe what they were saying until I google'd 'chimpanzees ate balls' on Google. I found the hilarious Chimpanzees story.

Of course, you wouldn't get the real headline by reading what CNN calls the story ('Chimps critically injure sanctuary visitor'). The headline should read 'Chimps eat man's balls and foot.' Sometimes I wish that every news broadcast could be like The Daily News. I feel bad for the guy, but it's hard to when you think about how stupid he was. Basically, they were celebrating thier old pet chimp's birthday- which had gotten taken from their home for biting off part of a woman's finger. Hello! That could have been your balls...oh wait, it was this time...and your face...and your foot...and you got dragged around like a rag doll. It doesn't help that he looks like a silverback with all that hair. Was anyone surprised when Roy of Siegfried and Roy got attacked by that White Tiger? No. But at least Roy wasn't prancing around in a deer costume.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

10 Types of People I Hate Most

Hey y'all. It's been awhile since my last post. I don't like posting stuff that's boring or too overly personal to be read. So here's an anecdote:

10 Types of People I Hate Most

10) Ugly people that think they're pretty
Celine Dion. I hate that bitch. She thinks she's so pretty when really she's one of the ugliest people on the planet. Kill Celine Dion, she's the devil.

9) Flaming Homosexuals
I can handle a normal homosexual. I even take solace in the fact that I can walk around SF and see two guys kissing or holding hands without anyone thinking that it's weird. That's cool. What's not cool is when gay guys feel that they need to let the whole world know that they're gay. You know, the one's that are always wearing bright pink and bouncing off of the walls, talking with their fake lisps and blinking excessively. These people affectionately refer to men and women alike as "girlfriend" or "sister." These people make me want to kick them in the penis so that they remember what they are.

8) Cheapskates
It's one thing to be frugal, and it's another to be cheap. Cheapskates will argue with you over the bill until you end up paying their tax and tip because you ate more of the bread that the waiter brought to the table. Cheapskates will use your toothpaste, soap, shampoo, TV, and couch for free, but insist that you share the cost of the new light bulb they bought for your lamp. They will use your toilet paper when you put some on the roll, but as soon as it runs out they take their own roll in and out with them when they go bathroom. They eat your food when you're not there. They borrow your car and don't put in any gas. They defy all reasoning of what is fair and just in this world. Oh well, at least you're not going on dates with one of these people...or are you?

7) Smelly people
Anyone who walks by you, and you have to hold your breath until the stench that follows them passes by, falls into this category. Everybody knows someone or has passed by someone who refuses to take hygiene seriously and shower or wash that old sweatshirt (s)he wears every day. I don't mind a stink from working out or just being out all day, but it gets out of hand when your funk is permanently fused your skin. I'm tired of holding my breath when smelly people walk by, too afraid to breath because of the possible diseases I could be ingesting.

6) Spoiled kids
Even if you went to a public high school, there was at least one of these kids who thought that they were the shit because their mommy and daddy bought them a new BMW. All of the kids who appeared on MTV's "Sweet 16" show about their ridiculous sweet 16 birthday parties epitomize this category. You are not better for what you have. You didn't even earn what you have, your mom and dad bought it for you. I hope that you'll be broke one day in your cockroach infested one room apartment and realize that you have to work in this world to get what you have.

5) FOBs
Fresh Off the Boat. I'm talking particularly about Asians here, but there's a group of these for every race. I'll just use Chinese since they are my biggest gripe. These are the type of people who speak English, but only speak Chinese to each other, even when you're around and they know you don't speak. I don't know if there are different volume meters for different languages, but once someone starts speaking Chinese, it sounds 10 times louder. And then there are the FOBs who smoke cigarettes while in the crouching position outside of Cyber Cafes next to their loud rice rocket Honda Civics with their Tommy Hilfiger jackets on. They make all Chinese people look bad and should start getting deported more actively than Mexicans. Let's not confuse them with BOBs (Been Off the Boat, my new term). BOBs are great. They realize that they're in America now and that we speak English and don't need moth balls in all of our clothes. I think that I would rather be a BOB than an ABC (American Born Chinese). They still have a lot of culture and are embracing the American lifestyle.

4) Rude people
Being polite can get you far in this world. Unfortunately, being rude can also cause a lot of bad things to happen to you. I have a friend (who will go unnamed, except that his initials are EBJ) who wiped feces all over some girl's car just because he felt like she was rude. Don't let that happen to you (and if you do, I have a good idea of who it was). Being rude to me is one thing, but being rude to my lady is something that will drive me crazy. It makes me feel like yelling at that person and making him feel so bad that the next day he throws himself off of the nearest bridge.

3)Loud people
You've met this person. She's the trick bitch on the opposite side of Starbuck's who's yelling her brains out to tell her friends about how her boyfriend is cheating on her- and that she still loves him. She yells because she thinks that her life is so interesting that it would be a crime if someone didn't hear a syllable of what she had to say. Her friends want to tell her to shut up or keep it down, but she's too busy rambling on about how Brad Pitt is sooo her type and pointing out that homeless people need to get jobs. She doesn't speak to keep her listeners interested, she speaks because she likes the sound of her own voice. SHUT UP BITCH!


To be continued...

What type of people do you hate most? Please comment.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

My Court Experience

Due to popular demand (1 person), I have been forced to re-live the hell that is the United States Justice System. More specifically, the Burbank County Justice System.

I've already written the intro and the conclusion to my experience, but a lot is missing in between. And I have a lot of gripes.

A 4" bladed knife was found in my carry-on bag at Burbank Airport on my way back to Oakland on October 11th. The knife folds down into a casing. I was informed that if the knife was exposed or it was larger than 6", it is a felony. I had no idea that the knife was there, and they didn't find it on the way to Burbank (unfortunately). The only way that I can think of how the knife could have gotten in there was that I recently had moved from Davis back to Pacifica, and I remember throwing that knife into some pile of junk I was sorting. The knife must have fallen into my travel bag that I always use to visit Quyen (this is why I didn't check it before boarding each way). At the Burbank Airport, they detained me for about 10 minutes, wrote me up a ticket, and sent me on my way. The officer who wrote me the ticket told me that it was manditory to write one, and that it was a misdemeanor. I was shocked. Now that I think about it, I don't think that he did have to write that ticket. The ticket is for knowingly possessing a phrohibited item, but I stated repeatedly (and they have my statement written down) that I did not know that the knife was in there. I've talked to a few people who have had (large) knives in their bags and they were just confiscated.

A month later I had to appear in court. During this time defendants watch a 20 minute instructional video on what it means to plead guilty, no contest, hire a lawyer, or defend themselves. The baliff calls each case and asks for a plea. I opted to hire a public defender since I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

I originally intended to fight the case. My case is pretty strong. They have me on file saying that I did not know the knife was in there. The witnessing officer could support that in court. I have no motive for knowingly bringing a knife aboard a plane (citizen all my life, educated, taken same flight before, etc). And I have no previous record.

But my case isn't perfect. They didn't find the knife in Oakland Airport, so the knife being in there as a result of my moving from Pacifica to Davis may seem unlikely (they may think the knife originated in Burbank). My knife randomly falling into my bag seems also unlikely.

But these things did happen. And I would think that they happen often- that someone has something in their bag that they didn't know was there. Of course, my (65+ yr old) public defender had never heard of a case like this (in all her years). And when I asked her if she thought we would win, she said "no." Great. That made me feel really great about fighting the case. I'm sure that if I hired a private lawyer that I would have won, but I was broke and a lawyer would have been at least a few grand. I didn't want to obligate, nor would I want my parents to foot that bill either.

Lucky for me, my mom is an extremely savvy and intelligent woman. She asked people that she knew about my case and prodded around asking questions. I was trying to figure things out too, but I'm not nearly as close to as proficient as my mother. She's the type who will go into a store and somehow end up getting everything half off. I'll get maybe a free nudey calendar from my mechanic after getting my transmission rehauled. I tried calling my friends in law school, talking to a relative who's a lawyer, looking stuff up on the net, and I managed to get some info out of that public defender. But my mom talked to the public defender a few times and then the defender worked out a plea bargain with the prosecution. The plea bargain was that nothing goes on my record, I had to do 80 hours community service (hard labour)($80) and I had to enroll in the APPS program($300). I remembered that I had my shoulder surgery less than a year ago, so the court was able to give me community service where I wouldn't have to wear an orange jumpsuit on the side of the freeway. Rather than facing possible jail time and having the conviction on my record if found guilty, I took the plea bargain.

The problem with a idea of a public defender in this system is that they basically have no motive for helping you out. Self motivated, determined lawyers are ideally chosen for this position, but after 30+ years, that kind of trickles off. The only priority for the public defenders is to get you through the system and out of their hair as fast as possible. They don't care if you're innocent or guilty, as long as your case is off of their desk. Do you think that they want all of their clients to be innocent and fight the system? Hell no. Only private lawyers are immoral enough to want that.

I still feel jacked. I really don't see anything that I could have done to prevent the situation. Everything was a series of unfortunate events. I never knew the knife fell into my bag, I never checked the bag because it's the same bag I always use (lesson learned, but difficult to say I should have prevented), I got a public defender that didn't want to help me, and I got a plea bargain with way too many hours. Shit happened. I was faced with either wasting time and a bit of money, or else a lot of money. No way around it. Maybe I should have fought my case with the public defender. Most likely I would have- except that the court dates would have been for Christmas and Christmas Eve (for which my family had already made plans). So, I was thankful to my mom for helping me out, didn't like the idea of possible jail time, took the plea bargain, and went home to underwear for Christmas.

A lot of things should have happened to prevent this. The knife should have landed somewhere else, or they should have found the knife in Oakland (they just confiscate there), or the officer at Burbank should have realized that I'm not guilty unless I know the knife is in there, or the judge should have dismissed the case, or my public defender should have been competent, or the case should have been on a different day than Christmas.

So that's it. I'm done. Through. Enough. Please, everyone, for God's Sake, check your damn bags before boarding a plane. And when you're wondering why you're going through the trouble of doing this every time, don't Remember the Titans- remember Matt Lee.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Natural Selection

I was watching the NFL pro-bowl events today and I noticed that after they won most of the players said, "I'd like to thank God for giving me these gifts." But why doesn't anyone ever take the Darwinistic approach and say, "I'd like to thank my ancestors for their genetic selections"? I mean, they were basically given their physical abilities through their parents, right? You know Shaq doesn't have anyone in his gene pool who was under 5 ft tall or anything. Speaking of Shaq, have you seen his wife? She's under 5 ft tall. C'mon big guy, don't you feel like you owe it to the world to mix with someone who can give us the next Shaq? Now you're just going to have ugly babies that can't make up for their ugliness by being good at basketball. Shaq, you need to take a good look at Yao Ming's parents and tell me that you can't do the same thing. Sure, you may hate your wife and you may even hate your kids, but take it for the team u big bitch. At least donate some DNA to put in Lisa Leslie or something. What an asshole, jeez.

I definitely feel a duty to do my ancestors right and marry someone who will improve my lineage. I'd like to get a shot out some day from my grandkid or something while he's getting the Pulitzer or Nobel Prize, thanking me for combinding my nerdish genes with a brilliant woman's. I'll be honest, I wouldn't be with a woman for any substantial amount of time if I thought for a second that she would fuck up my gene pool. Not that I'm all high and mighty on who I am or anything, but I do okay for myself. On a bit of a stranger note, has anyone ever just looked at a (wo)man and not even cared about who (s)he was, but just wondered what your kids would be like with that person? There were plenty of ugly or annoying bitches that I hated in high school, but I just would have liked to have had kids with them. I mean, not even have sex with her, just have kids. Not even bring the kids up, just see how they turn out. Not even care who the kids are, just wonder what they look like and what they achieved. This is probably how airline pilots and male stewards fine their vocation. Perfect way to have kids around the country, or the globe- have your work pay for it.

Back to reality, so far I feel like I'm going to do my ancestors right. I haven't talked about her really, but Quyen Nguyen is really a special woman with beauty and brilliance in one (small) package. On top of that, she's got a personality and a heart that amazes me every day. Happy Valentine's Day baby. <3

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Court Experience

I decided not to re-live the pain of my court experience unless someone actually wants to hear about it. If I get a comment, I'll post it. If not, I'm glad it's over with.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Retirement Plans

A few days ago, I was in Sophia's in Davis, talking it up with my buddies and I related to them my retirement plans: to drink beer, watch movies, play video games, and play bingo all day. I forget who said it, but one of my choronies told me that that's what old people do already. Man, so my idea wasn't so original. He told me that old people just get drunk all the time and when you see them at the grocery store that they're always getting alcohol. I've never heard of that. My grandparents always seem too frail and wise to do crazy shit like that.

Well, I didn't believe him...until today. I went to Costco to get some necessities since I'm moving back to Davis from Pacifica. It was the middle of the day, so the only people that are out are housewives/husbands, the unemployed, college students, and old people. So, I saw a good amount of old people around. As I was eating my $1.50 polish dog and soda combo I was looking around in people's carts and all of the old folks had alcohol! And this being Costco, there was tons of it. I was amazed. The first cart had 5 bottles of wine and a giant jug of Absolut. The second cart had a case of Flat Tire and a case of Carona. The third cart had two bottles rum and a flat of Coors. So, the next time you see an older person at the grocery store, take a peek into their cart and you'll see that I'm right.

Are old people everywhere are getting blitzed with each other? At this moment, are my grandma's tilting their heads back and taking beer bong hits while their friends yell "drink, drink, drink...yeah!!"? I've heard of secret clubs in the City where only those posh enough to be in the right crowd are invited, but are there senior citizen, secret clubs where all the old folks go to throw down a few and get their groove on? Are there senior citizen frats and sororities, where they all get drunk and randomly hook up with each other? I mean, let's be honest, a lot of them are widows by now. It's like college all over again.

Do we get to re-live our college lives in retirement? I, for one, hope so. Think about it. Aren't retirement homes an awful lot like the dorms? Your neighbors are right across the hall, there's a dining commons, community events are regular occurances, others around all pretty much your age, and, apparently, there's tons of alcohol. Only in a retirement home, there are no RA's and no classes to disctract you from having good times. The only down side I can think of is...sex. So, what replaces that?

Monday, January 31, 2005

Poor Kid

I just felt the inclination to share a little something that happened that I thought was a bit funny today. I was in the grocery store getting some cereal to eat for dinner and I hear over the load speaker "Tim, your mom is waitinig for you in the front." I just got a flashback of all of the embarassing things my parents did to me growing up. Some guy must have been thinking the same thing because he said "Poor kid, that's embarrasing." But then I see this 40+ year old man running to the front with a jug of milk in his arm. It was Tim.

One embarrasing story that I can think of that was caused by my parents was the last time my girlfriend came to visit me and we hung out with them. They always remember stories of you in the most embarrasing ways. I swear that half of them are made up. Anyways, they recounted about how I used to suck my thumb until the 3rd grade and that they had to put a cast over my thumb to get me out of the habit. Of course, my dad throws in, "Yeah, and he sucked through the whole cast!" First of all, I don't think that's possible without causing some major health issues. Second of all, I distinctly remember dismantling that thing and throwing it in the trash. Girls used to think it was cute. I wonder if they would dig it today. Nah, it would probably be just construed into some weird Freudian oral fixation having to do with strippers, two goats, and a pirate named "Willie."

Anyone and everyone, please post the most embarrasing story your parents can't help but tell whoever you're trying to impress at the moment. Or else, tell a story about when they just embarrased you.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Quyen Nguyen


Quyen in Tahoe

Since I started my blogs, my girlfriend, Quyen, has asked me why she hasn't been mentioned. This is the end of that.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Goodbye to Goodwill

Wow, I just finished my community service at Goodwill. Everyone that I tell that I'm done keeps saying "wow, that was fast." Yeah, well I guess if you're on the outside looking in, it may seem fast. But not when you're spending 10 hours a day picking up clothes and wracked with allergies that make your head hurt when you sneeze. Not when you're looking at your watch every 5 minutes, thinking that it's been 30 minutes. Not when you're forced to check if your watch is broken every night when you get home, actually thinking that it runs backwards when you're not looking. My allergies made me so tempted to just start using shirts as handkerchiefs. The last two days were hell. There was this $2 sale, where all clothes were $2. Needless to say, tons of people showed up and started just throwing clothes on the floor. Guess who had to pick them up and hang them again? Yo (points to self). I've never had allergies that bad before. Two consecutive nights I was unable to sleep because I couldn't breathe or my nose would start running and wake me up. On a positive note, I was able to donate $3000 of goods for my tax deduction.

I mentioned sneezing in the paragraph above and it made me think of the most painful thing that your body does to itself. Has anyone ever woken up in the morning or ran to the bathroom with a bladder full of pee, barely making it there, and letting loose with full velocity? I'm sure everyone has. But have you had the unfortunate circumstance of also catching an itch on your nose and having to sneeze at the same time? You're already peeing at maximum force, and then this huge gush tries to make you pee even faster...that just plain sucks. It's like there's a little implosion right there in your privates. Why Body, why would you do that to me? Next time I have to sneeze while peeing I may just hold my nose closed and blow out my eardrums instead. Then we'll see who's boss. Bitch-ass Body.

I keep promising to write about my court experience, and probably nobody cares anymore (or ever cared) but I'm a man of my word and I'll get that out since I'll have more time because Goodwill is overwith.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

I Got A Job!

Okay mom and dad, before you get excited, no- it’s not at Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Raytheon, or Genentech. I got a job at Goodwill, where I’m doing my community service. I pretty much got jacked and was assigned 10 days (80 hours). Shit, I mean, drunk drivers get 2 days; people caught stealing get 60 hours.

The end result of my case of “possession of a prohibited item in a sterile area” charge was a plea bargain of 10 days community service and assignment into APPS. I took the plea bargain because I didn’t have the money to hire a private lawyer and I didn’t like the idea of possible jail time (what choice did I really have?). APPS is something where I have to watch a video and complete a workbook. I decided to work 8 10 hour days instead of 10 8 hour days, but it’s hella tiring. I work form 10am to 9pm. Goodwill isn’t a bad place to work at, but I thought that I might get a chance to work with senior citizens or problem kids. At least that way it would have made sense why I was put in that position- maybe I could have helped someone out and changed their lives. Now, this shit makes no sense to me again and the only fulfillment I get is that it opened my eyes to the world of Goodwill. Seriously, it’s like a whole different world. It’s a world where nobody is superficial or judgmental and you can get a “new” suit for $20. In this world, everyone can afford warm clothes and blankets. Books to read are 50 cents and Backstreet Boy CD’s are $2 (Oh joy!). Customers are friends and criminals are upstanding citizens. You can drop off a bag of T-shirts and claim them as however much you want in order to make sure you get your maximum tax break for the year. This place is so fantastic that you can now replace “shopping” with “working.”

Not that my experience has been a ball of fun. All day, you stand and rack clothes, shoes, dishware, records, electronics, appliances, furniture, bags, purses, toys, books, linens, ceramics, and whatever else is in a typical household. Good thing I’m not a germ-a-phobe because some things are plain nasty! Shoes have the expected funk, but the worst things are linens. Better check the sheets before you buy them because chances are there’s a poop stain right in the middle. Okay, I didn’t actually see poop stains, but there are definitely some unsolved mysteries appearing on these things.

I’ll write more about the whole (BS) judicial process in my next post.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Register

Damn fools, just register. I don't always know who's leaving these posts. This is run by Google, so they won't spam you. Also, you can reserve that sign in name in case you want to make a blog later.