Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Take From the World

Are you the rock or the stream? The rock sits in the stream and the water flows naturally around it. The rock just sits there and takes in what the world has to offer. It figures out how things work and tries to understand its role in the world. The stream tries to move the rock. It’s never consistent and is always trying to use forceful ways to move the rock. The stream wants to make the world adjust to its own vision and create its own place in it.

Lately I've been doing a lot of introspection, battling myself over what changes I should and shouldn't make, and trying to figure out what would make me a better person. It really depends on three things: who you're talking to, what book/article you're reading, and what walk of life you're in. Some of my (guy) friends say, "hook up with as many girls as you can. " Some of my (girl) friends say, "you’re a good catch, don’t change." One book says, "this will teach you to love, not to be promiscuous." Another books says, "we will give you 11 openers and field-tested strategy on how to close the deal". My past life said, "settle down, marry, and have a family. " My current life says, "what the fuck is going on here (he’s kind of a jerk and has a limited vocabulary)?"

There have been times in my life when I've made radical changes and emerged a better person. But since college, I've been basically the same person (besides those 60 Days, during which I changed my status more than my character). People usually look for drastic change because they're unhappy in their situation or depressed in general. But, I'm not really either of those - I just think that life can be better and I want to live it instead of just living (cliché, I know, and I’m sorry). That's the thing though - how do I have these experiences? What experiences do I want to have? More importantly, what experiences to I not want to have?

All of my life I’ve given to this world and been what I thought it wanted me to be. I never ditched class; I stayed away from drugs; I went to college; I waited until college to drink; I studied hard; I gave my all in relationships; I got a steady job; I contributed to my community; I gave thanks to God (in my own ways); I helped others; I smiled; I shook hands; I gave compliments; I had good intentions; I previously devoted myself to another; and I voted Democrat.

Now I want to take from the world! The world has so much to offer but I’ve always been it’s bitch instead of the other way around. There are so many interesting people out there and sights to see. Lately, I’ve met at least three girls that I thought I would get along with really well but I didn’t pursue any of them. I think that I've always been in these long relationships and, as bad as it sounds, they've held me back in a lot of ways. Another person was always part of how I defined myself. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, but after each break up I was left with this huge gap and I was half of a person for a few months.

My dilemma basically boils down to two problems: getting rid of the present me, who I like, and never being able to be that person again; and compromising my morality. I think that right now I'm still pretty decent husband material that would attract a nice girl. But, 1) there aren’t very many nice girls out there and 2) I’d probably mess it up anyways. Who’s to say that nice girls are my type anyways? I love emotional clusterfucking, freedom fighting, and navigating my way out of the circle of blame. I can’t respect a girl that is too nice and does everything that I want, but I don’t want to be with a lying bitch either. It sucks that smart/clever girls who are independent almost always end up being bitchier as a consequence. I guess that I can’t complain because I consider my wit above average and I’m a major asshole. Since I’m admitting right here that I’m an asshole, then I suppose that the answer to my dilemma is obvious: change.

I my future posts, I’ll be documenting what changes I’ve decided on and the logic behind them. Maybe I’ll inspire some people to make changes in their own lives, so that they can begin living (seriously, that cliché again? ppsssshhhh, loser).

I am the stream. I’ll try to mold the world into what I want it to be. The rock is wiser and its tranquil future is undeniable. But the stream is plucky and its whimsical future is captivating.


Eric said...

you have a lot more power as the rock.

john h said...

2 things you should immediately correct for your life to change. don't vote democrat (democrats can never be streams because they are never proactive, only reactive). secondly, you are reading the wrong material. read this book to change your life: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

Matt Lee said...

I'm not going to get political right here, but it would suffice to say that my political loyalty differs during each election and is, in no way, related to my character. It's kind of like when people ask me what basketball team I like; I'm more of a fan of certain players than loyal to a team. Football is different though: go Niners!

I'll definitely check out that book, thanks for the recommendation.

Eric said...

gotta love Heintz! tell it like it is...