Monday, February 07, 2005

Retirement Plans

A few days ago, I was in Sophia's in Davis, talking it up with my buddies and I related to them my retirement plans: to drink beer, watch movies, play video games, and play bingo all day. I forget who said it, but one of my choronies told me that that's what old people do already. Man, so my idea wasn't so original. He told me that old people just get drunk all the time and when you see them at the grocery store that they're always getting alcohol. I've never heard of that. My grandparents always seem too frail and wise to do crazy shit like that.

Well, I didn't believe him...until today. I went to Costco to get some necessities since I'm moving back to Davis from Pacifica. It was the middle of the day, so the only people that are out are housewives/husbands, the unemployed, college students, and old people. So, I saw a good amount of old people around. As I was eating my $1.50 polish dog and soda combo I was looking around in people's carts and all of the old folks had alcohol! And this being Costco, there was tons of it. I was amazed. The first cart had 5 bottles of wine and a giant jug of Absolut. The second cart had a case of Flat Tire and a case of Carona. The third cart had two bottles rum and a flat of Coors. So, the next time you see an older person at the grocery store, take a peek into their cart and you'll see that I'm right.

Are old people everywhere are getting blitzed with each other? At this moment, are my grandma's tilting their heads back and taking beer bong hits while their friends yell "drink, drink, drink...yeah!!"? I've heard of secret clubs in the City where only those posh enough to be in the right crowd are invited, but are there senior citizen, secret clubs where all the old folks go to throw down a few and get their groove on? Are there senior citizen frats and sororities, where they all get drunk and randomly hook up with each other? I mean, let's be honest, a lot of them are widows by now. It's like college all over again.

Do we get to re-live our college lives in retirement? I, for one, hope so. Think about it. Aren't retirement homes an awful lot like the dorms? Your neighbors are right across the hall, there's a dining commons, community events are regular occurances, others around all pretty much your age, and, apparently, there's tons of alcohol. Only in a retirement home, there are no RA's and no classes to disctract you from having good times. The only down side I can think of is...sex. So, what replaces that?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

i blame the increasingly high costs of good quality health care for the old folks' large consumption of alcohol as a substitute for their medicine.....i mean, come on, coors?? what a shame.

Anonymous said...

Yeah dude. Think about it. You're retired. You (hopefully) have money. You have LOTS and LOTS of time. What do you do with that time? DRINK. My grandparents love to drink. The only thing holding them back is DEATH. Haha. I'm going to hell.

I have a friend that used to work at a nursing home. He said that the old men are masturbating all the time. Even in the dining room or common areas. Apparently the nurses catch the old folks fucking, too. It's like a bunch of old monkeys with Alzheimer's at the zoo. I'm really going to hell now.

-Andrew

Matt Lee said...

Haha, yeah, you're going to hell. Either that or you're going to be one of those old men masturbating in the dining room. So, do they not want the old people to have sex? That's fucked up man- treating them like neutered dogs. Let them get their groove on, just make sure that they have some sort of "getting busy now" sign up so that nobody else has to witness that. No vision puts a chill up my spine faster than the though of two old people having sex. Brrrr.

Andrew Jang said...

I don't think it's so much that they don't want consenting adults to have sex. It's that these old people are out of their freakin' gourds. Have you seen Memento? Some of those old people are like that guy, but with a tenth of his cognition and no tattoos to remind them of what they are supposed to be doing. I think that's why they don't let them have sex. It's just creepy.